Random Thoughts

A week full of turmoil

2010-01-31T21:31:00.002-05:00

This past week was eventful to say the least. Aside from my daily excitements, two events really brought turmoil in my life.
For one, I'm not the only German at my work anymore. Although he's only half-German, he was born and grew up in Germany and still knows a reasonable amount of German. This is how we started talking. Soon, I found out that he is in a similar situation I just escaped a little over a year ago. He is in a marriage in which affection and passion no longer exist. This brought back many bad memories to me. I hope he finds a way out. Oh, and if a single woman reads this, who's interested in dating a half-German guy, let me know. I have his email address to pass out. LOL
But what shook me a lot more emotionally is the re-appearance of a friend of mine. He was my sister's first real boy-friend and they were together for a long time. When my sister broke up with him, I think I was as devastated as he was. He was almost like a brother to me... and we were pretty much his family. Even after my sister broke up with him, he came to our house often to get advice from my mom or just to stop by and say hi. He always had a tough time. After he graduated from car mechanic school, he joined the military. Instead of just doing the mandatory year, he signed up for 4 years with the Air Force. After this was over, he went back to school, so he would be able to train future mechanics himself. It wasn't until he was close to graduation that the school told him he didn't have enough work experience to graduate. In short, whatever he touched that promised to be gold, simply turned to ash. I couldn't believe that one person could have so much bad luck.
After I moved to the US, we still had brief contact but eventually that faded. He never quite left me, though. I often thought about him, what he might be doing, hoping that all is well. But I never heard from him. I kept the cell phone number I had from him with every phone I had. I just recently deleted it, figured it's long outdated.
Then came the email. I was tempted to simply delete it because I didn't know the sender and although the subject was German, I figured it's spam. Then I opened it and couldn't believe it. I was so happy to hear from him again after so many years, curious what happened.
Well, today he wrote me in detail what was going on the past 6 or 7 years. Much of it was heart-wrenching. After being with my sister, he was with another woman, who took advantage of him, cheated on him, ruined his life. After he broke up with her, he was homeless, bankrupt. He tried to commit suicide. Although I had no idea any of this was going on, I felt guilty that I couldn't help. But I think something inside him realized that this wasn't it. He went through therapy and was eventually able to turn his life around. He went back to school, got his degree, went to college, got a degree there and he found a new girl-friend. She has helped him through the last stages and I'm very happy that he's doing well. I'm so proud of him, so proud that he was able to turn his life around.
At the same time, I feel honored that I'm the first one he wrote. He didn't even write my mom yet, although he will. I promised that I won't tell anything to my family until he does. I just wish I could give him a big bear hug. I know it's not possible right at this moment, but maybe in the near future.

The Gift isn't really a gift!

2010-01-26T19:18:00.008-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I watched a documentary called "The Gift". It left me speechless and absolutely aghast. I still don't know if I'm actually able to write about it, if I processed it.
Maybe it's just me, but who in the world would want to consciously infect themselves with HIV, so they can continue to have unprotected sex? This concept eludes me, especially since HIV is only one of many sexually transmitted diseases. I mean, I can see where the guys are coming from, if their partner is positive, they don't have to worry about getting infected if they're positive with the same string. If it's a different HIV string, however, things can get really messy. But that's a different subject and it's better explained by someone who knows more about it than I do.
Those guys, however, weren't in a stable relationship, they just wanted to have sex with whomever. Since most of the men in their circles were positive, they thought that being positive themselves would give them the freedom they longed for and take away the recurring tests and the fear of a positive test result. Before I watched that documentary, I had no idea that there were parties even, where one could "receive the gift", meaning having unprotected sex with dozens of positive men with the goal of obtaining an HIV positive test result, too.
Luckily, some of the men interviewed eventually realized that it may not have been their best idea, but of course by that time it was too late.
The part that scared me most, I think, was that I understood the concept and where they were coming from. However, I know enough to know that the tests are nothing compared to life with HIV.
I wish my boyfriend would write about it a little more. I asked him to but he doesn't really want to, he doesn't want to sound whiny. I told him, he wouldn't because he never is. Besides, many people don't know what it's like and although I do get a little more insight, I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything either. Aside from that, I think it would give people a better understanding and a new perspective. Maybe he'll read it and see how important it is that people realize that not only do his medications keep him from getting really, really sick and pretty much keep him alive, it's not the same as taking a something to get rid of a headache. A lot of people still don't know much about HIV; it doesn't seem to be a problem anymore, it seems to only exist in Africa, where people still actually die from an infection worsened by AIDS, while in the developed world the perception is that people just take a few pills and live happily ever after. Education seems almost nonexistent these days and certainly excludes the importance of prevention. I wish more people would get tested on a regular basis, why not make it a point to get tested when it's time to see the doctor for a physical? They draw blood anyway, why not include this test?
Although prevention is the key, an early diagnosis can be life-saving as well.

Divorced

2010-01-16T21:09:00.002-05:00

A couple of days ago I got divorced. It's been a long process and I'm glad it has finally come to an end. For some reason I thought I would feel different. Relieved, happy or something like that. Instead, I was very nervous when I was in the courtroom and went back to feeling normal but very tired afterward. But on the other hand, maybe it's a good thing, I didn't feel different.

After all, nobody gets married to get divorced. At least nobody I have ever heard of. I certainly didn't plan on it. When I got married, I thought this is it. The man I'm getting married to, is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I probably could have done just that. But I wouldn't have been happy. I spent most of my marriage by myself as we were working different schedules. That may work if you have been married for decades but it doesn't really work if you are just starting your adult life. Sure, I don't mind being by myself, I need it, too, but not 350 days of the year. Waking up alone, breakfast alone, coming home to an empty apartment, going to bed alone. That just wasn't it for me. It was much like being single but without the opportunity to meet someone new. Eventually, I had to call it quits.

My ex isn't a bad man, he just wasn't right for me. I'm sure that even he will realize it some day and I know he will find someone else, someone who is more compatible. Maybe he will even get married again. I hope he will find happiness.

I have learned a lot throughout this marriage, my earlier blog posts prove this, too. I will likely not get married again unless I have been in the same relationship for a long time and there is a financial advantage. I will certainly never change my name again. It is such a hassle to have the name changed on all important documents that it's really not worth to ever change it to anything from the name you were born with. Unless, of course, your last name was horrible and your married name is much better.

I have started my new life and once the paperwork is done and I have my name back everywhere, I will have yet another reason to enjoy it. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we are creating a future together. I know that my family will support me whatever I decide to do, as they have in the past. I have realized that I am responsible for my own happiness. Life, although challenging sometimes, is good to me.

When I die...

2009-12-27T21:05:00.004-05:00

Ok, before I pick that though up again I feel it may be necessary to let you know that I don't plan on dying any time soon. But this is something out of my control and I'd rather tell you about it while I still can. Because once I'm dead, well, there won't be much talking or blogging on my part anymore... I don't think.

So, when I die, I'd hate for people to cry that I'm gone. Seriously, I'm not that important. Just one of over 6 billion people on this planet. People die every day for the most various reasons. I will be one of them, sometime, it's a fact. I don't know when I will die or what may be the cause of my death but it will happen and there's nothing I can do about it.

Once I'm dead, I don't much care what happens to my body either, just one thing, don't put me in a grave and feel obligated to take care of it and bring flowers and stuff. Seriously, remember me as the living person I once was, with all my faults. I would much rather that my ashes are spread over the ocean, now that would be cool. Or if you'd like to put my ashes in an urn that is mailed from friend to friend, that's fine with me, too. Quite honestly, I really liked how the main character of The Perfume ended up, although this may be a little dramatic and unrealistic. If you haven't seen the movie or read the book (both are excellent), I dare you to do it.

I would like you to know that when I die, I will have lived the best life I was able to live. I will have had many ups and downs in my life but I will never have given up. Giving up is not in my nature. I may lay on the ground and wallow in self-pity for a while, but that's only because I need a new game plan. I will have always stood true to my values and beliefs.

When I die, I know I will have disappointed many of you. Trust me, I didn't do it on purpose; at some point our lives just separated and continued on in different directions. I'm following my path and you have to follow yours. Rest assured, I enjoyed the time we spent together. Sometimes I mourn the loss of friends in my life but at the same time I know that we weren't able to continue down the same road. We walked down the same road for a while, made some experiences together and I cherish what I learned from them. I know that some people thought I could or would improve their lives or that of their sons. Well, I tried my best and I hope to have made a difference. I can only take so much trouble before I have to move on.

I can honestly say that everyone I have met so far during my lifetime has had an impact on me. You have shaped and influenced my life far more than you might imagine. You may just have brushed my life but you may have said or done something that will always stay with me and influence my life. I strive on those memories, good and bad, as they are all valuable to me. They deeply influence how I have lived my life so far.

I just hope that this life will have been good enough to get me another life, maybe one in which my body doesn't hate me so much but I know it will still be filled with challenges. The challenges will be different, I'm sure but I'm looking forward to it. I doubt I will be able to tell you about it but if I am, I hope it will be something like: "Remember during our last life, when...?" Now that would be fun!

Therefore, when I die, don't be sad, remember me as I was when I was alive and say "See you in the next life!"

Frustration

2009-12-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

I’m having a bad day today; well actually it has been a few bad days already. It started on Saturday, when I got up and I had these welting hives again. They are hot, itchy and especially when they are in my face, they are swelling up and make me look like a victim of violence. Seriously, except for the blues of bruises, my whole face is deformed.
I don’t really know where they are coming from, there are several options but none have provided a solution yet. The allergist left me to my own devices, too, unwilling or unable to help me.
This is not new to me, however. I have battled allergies all my life, without the help from doctors. All they ever told me is to stay away from everything I’m allergic to. This resulted in a largely isolated life for me; I spent a lot of time alone. I grew up in the country, being allergic to everything that surrounded me, everything that everyone thought of as fun. My sister would go play in the hay, go horseback riding or feed cows. I wasn’t allowed to because of my allergies. I often tried to participate in these activities anyway, simply because I didn’t want to feel as left out as I often felt but the price I paid was high. Just a short time with the horses would lead to swollen, itchy eyes, a runny nose and inability to breathe. Plus it got me in trouble with my parents, who were worried but I don’t think they ever quite understood how important it was for me to fit in and do what others were doing, too.
The doctors proved to be less than helpful, too. I got an inhaler for the asthma attacks, which helped for a while, and their advice was to stay away from anything that causes an allergy attack, including carpet, curtains, and bed sheets, bedding, and stuffed animals. Absolutely no pets were allowed either. Well, I resisted those. I had stuffed animals; I did sleep in bed sheets, although the down comforter and pillow were replaced with hypo-allergenic ones. My room did have a carpet and curtains. My parents eventually even gave in and I got a dog and a cat. I spent a lot of time with my dog, we went for long walks and he was always there for me. To this day, I consider my dog my best friend and I was very sad when he died. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for not being there for him when he took his last breath.
For a few years everything was fine, until I started having problems walking. My knee would give out on me and I couldn’t lift my leg. Over time it got worse and worse, until I couldn’t even walk a quarter mile without problems. That’s when my mom really put her foot down and made me go to the doctor. Sure enough, my immune system dealt me another blow. I was diagnosed with an incurable disease, which causes my immune system to attack my nerve cells. Daily injections are supposed to help stop the progression. So far, this seems to be working, but I can no longer afford the injections because my health insurance took them off the list of covered medicines and moved them to the list of medicines that are only covered by co-pays because this medicine is so expensive.
Last year then, the latest blow was dealt to me when I started having the hives. At first I didn’t think much of it because I always had hives in the winter. Granted, these were different than the ones I was used to but still, not a surprise. But these wouldn’t go away. They would only get worse and spread. They can now cover my whole body on a really bad day, making me very miserable with their itchiness and heat. Another trip to the doctor was in order, again everyone pushed the responsibility far away from them and even the allergist is unwilling to help once again. After an allergy test revealed that my allergy to milk protein spread to dairy in general and has become one of my worst allergies, all the allergist said is to stay from dairy. Well, I have been and I still have hives. Once again, I feel left alone, isolated and I’m not sure how much longer I will be able to cope. Is it so wrong for me to want to live a normal life, do the things I enjoy?
It may sound like self-pity when I ask why me, yet considering that my sister has no health problems at all, it does feel unfair. Most of the time, I don’t let all this bother me, on those rare days when I don’t have any hives or the days when the hives aren’t that bad, I cope quite well. I don’t take antihistamines regularly because my allergies don’t bother me that much and they don’t work for the hives anyway. I haven’t used a steroid inhaler for asthma attacks in years because I don’t have them often enough to warrant their use. Overall, I seem to be doing okay, I may even get used to life without dairy, without many of my favorite foods. After all, I’m not the only one with this problem and other people are much worse off. I just need to vent and express my frustration every once in a while.

World Aids Day

2009-12-01T19:52:00.002-05:00

Well, if you look at the calendar, today is World Aids Day.
I don't quite remember when the word Aids made its way into my vocabulary, the first time it had an impact on my life was when Queen's Freddy Mercury announced he was HIV positive and had Aids. He died only one day later. I was 14 years old. I wouldn't say it changed my life but it certainly raised my awareness. I learned about the truths and myths and yet it seemed far too far away to ever concern me. Even as I got older, protection was largely optional, I trusted the people I chose to have sex with, my largest concern getting pregnant by some stupid mistake.
Never in my life would I have thought that all this could change, that this disease could enter my life. No, I am not HIV positive. I get tested regularly. The man I love, however, is positive. We do have to take certain precautions and life with the virus is sometimes much harder than it seems and yet, it could always be a lot worse. I'm hoping that everything will continue the way it is for a long time, always keeping in mind that things can change in an instant. This has changed me, the way I look at our relationship. I enjoy every minute we can spend together, knowing that neither one of us will know ahead of time when things start going bad. I don't think I will ever be prepared for that moment but I don't think anyone would be.
I'm very happy in this relationship, I think that's all I can ask for.

Who says looks ain't everything...

2009-11-24T20:42:00.002-05:00

I got this email today and thought it was too good not to share...

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bryan

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

I should be sleeping...

2009-11-22T02:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I really should be sleeping but instead I'm still up, still thinking. What a day home alone can do to you... all of a sudden I have time to think, just think whatever comes to my mind and I did a lot of this today. I have been so busy lately that I haven't had time to let my mind roam wherever it wants to. I have been so busy taking care of different things, driving here, driving there, always on the run, always something to do. Granted, homework doesn't help. But now, I finally had time for myself today. I didn't do all that much because, you guessed it, I have homework to do.
Even so, I realized that I wish someone very close to me would continue his blog. He started writing about himself but stopped at the end of February. He still continues his blog, he's just not writing about himself anymore. I know I could just get back into the habit of asking questions like I did when we met but back then we were "just" strangers. For some reason it was easier back then.
I would also like to be more committed to my own blog. Hey, my life may be boring in your eyes, but nobody forces you to read my blog, so there. There's enough going on in my life that I could write about but usually I don't have the time or anything to write. That's when ideas fade and become unimportant because other issues or events took their place.
Sometimes I really wonder about the whys in my life...
Why do I have to constantly be on the move? Granted, I can live in one place for a while but then, suddenly, I need to move to another place. Another country, another state, another city. Just out.
Why do I get stuck with all these crappy diseases, none of which are my fault! I didn't sign up to be allergic to so many different things and so severe that my dream job was out of the question before I could even try it. Neither did I sign up for multiple sclerosis, while it's really not a severe case, everyone freaks out when they hear it and envision me in a wheelchair within a few years, unable to care for myself. That's really not the case and I'll do my best to not let it happen, even if my health insurance keeps denying me the meds I need in an attempt to prevent relapses. There are other ways to stay healthy, too and all they require is discipline and commitment. Or those stupid annoying hives that have been bothering me for over a year now and they are still coming back night after night, varying in severity. I don't even know what causes them. Obviously, or I'd have taken measures against them a long time ago. I really hope the allergist has a solution for me and meds that work.
And why in the world am I always so tired? There has to be another reason for it, too. I accepted the hypersomnolence diagnosis for as long as it lasted but I don't believe that's it. Lately the wakefulness promoting pills seem to make me even more tired.
Why is it that my mind and my body can never be on the same page? A year ago, when I was slowly moving into the worst experiences of my life yet, my body was doing great. My weight was right, I looked good but my mind was deeply distraught, unhappy, stressed. Right now, it's the opposite way, my mind is happy (for the most part) but my body is in really bad shape. I'm overweight and although I tried to cut out food almost entirely for days and keep it to a minimum on others, I don't lose any weight. Being tired doesn't help me to exercise to the extent I did earlier last year... or exercise at all.
My current college class though, is interesting and I have a lot of fun learning and evaluating different types of art. I finished one assignment today and have one more to write tomorrow. I found an outline template I can use for my essays and it has proven to be very helpful. I just need to work out how to put in my references right away, so I don't have to add them afterwards, a huge waste of time having to go back & try to find out where the references came from.
Anyway, I'm really tired now and should be able to sleep. I haven't been up this late in quite a few weeks. Wow.

Moving along, searching

2009-11-12T19:18:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we initiate change; sometimes it seems to just happen to us. I did initiate a lot of changes within the past year and although it sometimes seems as if I’m not moving forward, I know that I actually am.
On the other hand, quite a few changes just seemed to happen to me. When I moved into my new apartment, I envisioned it as my sanctuary, a place filled with positive energy that I can use to recharge my mental batteries. I have never been able to make this place my own. Instead, I feel rather homeless. I need time to connect with my apartment, to feel it and to create spaces that will allow me to relax. I would need time to re-arrange a few things, to really clean up and put everything in its proper place. I need my apartment to be a place that allows me to collect my thoughts and evaluate everything that’s going on in my life, making sure that the decisions I make are good. How much would I like to wake up on a weekend and know that, homework aside, I don’t have to do anything. How much would I like to enjoy my apartment, the tranquility it spreads. Not having a TV was supposed to be the first step to a quieter life, a life focused around peace. I need this environment to be happy. I wanted to focus on healthy eating and exercise again, something that had gotten lost in the months following the separation from my ex-husband. Turmoil and stress took over for a long time instead. This was the total opposite of what I needed. Tranquility, peace, solitude have often been the cornerstones of my life. The more time I spend around other people, the more time I need to spend by myself to de-stress, to find my inner peace again.
Many people are amazed by my online interactions. They don’t realize or understand (I don’t think they even thought about it) that this is about all I can commit to as far as contact with other people goes. I cannot understand most of their expectations, their rituals. Interacting with people online gives me the space and control I need. I can always turn the computer off when I don’t feel like talking to anyone. On the other hand, I know that someone will be there when I need some company.
Instead, I have not been able to be home enough to make my apartment my own. Weeknights are simply not enough time to do everything that is required and the weekends have been filled with travel. I have had to find this inner peace while I was driving, during the minutes I was truly able to relax. Although I could blame my relationship on this, it is not really the cause. While it is true that without this relationship I wouldn’t have to travel, I am doing much better with it. Of course I could cut the travel in half but I don’t do myself a favor with it. I can relax with him next to me but not when I’m limited to seeing him on the computer. An intense hug, some affection will allow me to access my inner peace. He does not have any unreasonable expectations of me, seems to accept me for who I am. This allows me to be myself and even retreat into myself if I need to... as long as he’s there to lean on.
Together we decided that we would both benefit if we combined our households in the foreseeable future. A lot of traveling will become obsolete and we’ll be able to find peace together. There are still unpacked boxes in my apartment and I don’t think they will be unpacked just yet. They may have to wait until I move again and hopefully this next place will be able to offer me the peace and positive energy I need. Hopefully the next place will be a place I can call home.

I'm so fed up...

2009-09-15T14:12:00.001-04:00

I am so fed up with this country… I am really tempted to say, y’all got the government you elected, so shut up and deal with it! But in reality, the people in this country didn’t elect the government. Their votes don’t even count, only the votes of the electorate college count and they can still do whatever they want without regard to the popular vote. But even with the popular vote, the current president would be the president of the United States… so essentially, yeah, you got the government you elected, shut the fuck up and accept it!
A lot of people are protesting the projected spending of the government… uhm, where have you been during the past 8 years??? Where have the protests been when the former president spent money left and right and turned a balanced budget into the biggest deficit in history yet? You haven’t been protesting, so shut up and deal with the deficit now!
So, all of a sudden you decide you don’t like how the government works? In case you missed it, that’s the government in the US has always worked! Bills have always been filled with little favors to lobbyists to ensure money for campaigns. Nobody has ever seen anything wrong with it but now, all of a sudden, when there’s a major overhaul of an important issue at stake, it’s wrong?
I’m not saying that major changes are not necessary, that the government itself needs a reform and change how work is done, how bills are changed. But you, the citizens of the United States, are the ones who were always content having two parties, one of them controlling House and Senate as well as the president being the member of that same party, for at least a period of time of each presidency. Whenever the House is represented by one and the Senate represented by the other party, the country is more or less in a deadlock.
You, the citizens of the United States, have never found anything wrong with this, have never contemplated what this may mean to the way your government works.
The biggest problem I see is that you are not protesting for change in how government works, how you vote your parliament, how limited your choices are. You are protesting because you are superficially concerned your president will turn this country into a communist or dictator-lead one. If you opened your eyes you would notice that your country has been almost dictator-lead for a long time already. Whenever majorities in House and Senate as well as your President belong to the same party, you are very close to a dictatorship. Granted, you still have your personal freedoms but your government can do whatever it wants without worries of opposition.
Your country needs more than 2 parties, a multi-party system in which coalitions have to be formed to make decisions, will lead to a much more open dialogue on every issue, it will lead to real compromises. Right now you have one party in charge and one who opposes everything, simply because they are in the opposition. There is no dialogue, no compromises.
Your country needs a legislative reform. Lobbyists have too much influence right now and they will put up one hell of a fight if anyone tries to take it away. But you cannot have bills on important issues that are filled with favors to various lobbyists. No bill about education should have anything else in it except the education-related issue at stake.
Your country needs an election reform. The electorate college has served its purpose 200 years ago but today it is absolutely redundant. You need a system that counts every vote, a system in which your candidates campaign for your vote and not how much money they can raise.
If you still want to protest, go out and do it, it is your right and this right is not exercised nearly enough in this country. But go out and protest for the right issues. More importantly, have your own plan ready. Saying “NO” to everything is easy, having your own solution is not.

An essay about civil rights and terrorism

2009-08-27T21:02:00.003-04:00

I just finished my English Composition class and I promised a few of my Twitter friends that I would publish the essay I have been working on for the entire length of the class if the grade was to my satisfaction. Well, it was, so here's the essay. I hope you enjoy reading it & please feel free to leave your comments (as always).

Abstract

The United States has traditionally been a country in which civil liberties and the right to privacy have been held in high regard. After the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, however, this seems to have changed, at least for the administration and the legislature in power at that time. Soon after the attacks, the USA PATRIOT Act was passed with an overwhelming majority; Congress imposed significant interference into the lives of the people, not only the ones living in the United States. All this was done without regard for the protection of civil liberties and the potential for abuse of the provisions set forth in the Act. As a result, the USA PATRIOT Act has been abused and although the recent change of presidents suggests a change, it remains to be seen if the USA PATRIOT Act will truly be modified and the civil liberties restored.

Civil Rights and Terrorism

When on a sunny day in September 2001 a plane crashed into the World Trade Center in New York City, it appeared to be a terrible accident, a tragedy. Then a second plane hit the other tower and a third plane hit the Pentagon. Suddenly the tragic accident turned into a much more shocking event – someone was attacking the United States. Instantly, perhaps to cope with grief, perhaps out of sheer defiance, Americans re-discovered their patriotism. The result was a new attitude – protesters silenced themselves out of fear of being declared “unpatriotic”; suddenly the focus shifted to new, greater levels of racial profiling, that now included Arab-Americans; censorship and surveillance that would have been thought utterly intolerable even a year earlier became the new norm (Warren, 2003, para. 3). The depletion of civil rights, especially privacy rights, had begun.

It took less than two months after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, for Congress to significantly infringe upon constitutional rights, in particular civil rights. With an overwhelming majority and under the guise of protection, the USA PATRIOT Act was signed into law. This Act not only modified which and how information could be collected, it also simplified the distribution of information among the different law enforcement agencies. At the same time, the laws controlling the investigation of criminal activity and those regulating the collection of intelligence were streamlined (Pike, 2004, p. 17). In an attempt to ease the ability to share information between agencies, provisions were set in the USA PATRIOT Act to remove some of the legal restrictions that prevented the CIA, the FBI and the Justice Department from sharing information that each had acquired through their national and international surveillance operations (Rosen, 2004, p.16). This was one of the most important changes affecting the lives of people living both in and outside of the United States, as it supplied the president and law enforcement officials with a vast increase in power (Warren, 2003, para. 4). Congress would have been well advised to examine the sensible and reasonable use of existing legislation. Instead, new laws were passed hastily without investigating if law enforcement and intelligence officials had been careless or incompetent with their investigations into activity that ultimately lead to the attacks (Lynch, 2005, p.204).

When the USA PATRIOT Act was signed into law, it provoked a lot of insecurity and intimidation, especially among immigrants. Suddenly, all immigrants were now regarded as a threat to national security (Posner, 2005, p. 220) and a visa could be denied simply on the grounds of the applicant’s views or associations (Schmidt, 2009, para. 3). Additionally, with the USA PATRIOT Act in force, the Justice Department gave State and local law enforcement officials the power to enforce immigration laws, in which they had not been thoroughly trained, opening the door for increased potential of legal errors, random decisions, and contradictory interpretations of the law (Podesta, 2005, p. 210). To make matters worse, this expansion of power to local law enforcement officials greatly harmed the relationship between local police and immigrants, as local police were now perceived as immigration law enforcement officials. As a result, the immigrant community reported fewer crimes and suspicious activities for fear of prosecution for minor immigration law violations (Rosen, 2004, p.17). Suddenly, immigrants didn’t see themselves as part of the community anymore but as outsiders, unwanted and threatened.

Another way the USA PATRIOT Act infringed upon civil rights was the provisions concerning surveillance. The USA PATRIOT Act extended the power of law enforcement officials by providing new investigative techniques, including invasive surveillance techniques that were formerly used exclusively for foreign intelligence operations but whose use was extended to ordinary domestic criminal investigations (Podesta, 2005, p. 210). One of the justifications for this extension was that terrorists rarely have an obvious chain of command or reveal their true intentions until it is too late. However, the extensions of those new techniques lead to many prosecutions for low-level crimes that had no connection, direct or indirect, to terrorism (Rosen, 2004, p.17). For example, over 700 immigrants with a predominantly Arab/Muslim background were arrested in the days following September 11, 2001, and most of them were charged on grounds of minor immigration violations; however, none were convicted of a terror-related crime. To make matters worse , correctional officers verbally and physically abused some of the detainees and denied access to an attorney or family members to some for weeks (Podesta, 2005, p. 210). This expansion opened the door to observe and investigate anyone, whether their activity\ies were related to terrorism, or not.

Finally, the probably most blatant infliction into privacy rights was the USA PATRIOT Act allowing assets of organizations to be frozen with the sole explanation that they were under investigation for possible ties to terrorist groups. No charges against an organization whose assets were frozen had to be filed, no trial had to take place (Cole, 2009, pp. 7, 8).

At the same time the Administration remained adamant that the FBI needed to be able to secretly access Americans’ personal information without having to provide evidence of that person’s involvement in terrorist activity (Posner, 2005, p. 218). The FBI took advantage of the provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act by putting thousands of Americans under surveillance without proper authorization (Disarray, 2007, p. 5). Namely, the FBI sent out thousands of National Security Letters (NSL), demanding the recipient to release “any and all information the FBI requests from them” (Weigel, 2007, para. 10), without following proper NSL regulations and procedures. An audit by the Justice Department Inspector General established that these regulations were routinely ignored (K., 2007, p. 30). The FBI vastly overstepped its boundaries and abused its power by sending National Security Letters without exhausting alternative options first, and by sending them to Americans who were not part of any ongoing investigation. (Weigel, 2007, para. 12). After this provision of the USA PATRIOT Act, which allowed the FBI to send National Security Letters without a court order, was found to violate the First Amendment (K., 2007, p. 30), a law was passed that required the Inspector General’s oversight, as well as reports issued to Congress showing the extent to which the letters were used (Weigel, 2007, para. 12).

In the aftermath of September 11, reacting to an attack that caught them by surprise, Americans rushed to pass the USA Patriot Act to try to prevent future attacks. The results of such rushed action were provisions in the act that were subject to abuse and resulted in infringement of civil rights. The Act has been abused and there is currently a movement to modify it to re-establish protection for civil rights of Americans.

References

Cole, D. (2009, May 11). Bush's Lingering Blacklist. Nation, 288(18), pp. 7-8. Retrieved August 1, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

Disarray. (2007, March 23). Commonweal, p. 5. Retrieved August 8, 2009, from MasterFILE Premier database.

K., D. (2007, October). NSL Provision Ruled Unconstitutional. American Libraries, 38(9), p. 27. Retrieved August 8, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

K., D. (2007, June). Former John Doe Warns of Patriot Act Abuse. American Libraries, 38(6), p. 30. Retrieved August 8, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

Lynch, T. (2005, September). Do Antiterrorism Laws Go Too Far in Restricting Individual Freedoms?; Pro. Congressional Digest, pp. 202-206. Retrieved August 2, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

Podesta, J. (2005, September). Do Antiterrorism Laws Go Too Far in Restricting Individual Freedoms?; Pro. Congressional Digest, pp.208-214. Retrieved August 2, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

Posner, M. (2005, September). Do Antiterrorism Laws Go Too Far in Restricting Individual Freedoms?; Pro. Congressional Digest, pp. 214-222. Retrieved August 2, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

Pike, G. (2004, June). A SAFEr USA PATRIOT Act?. Information Today, 21(6), pp. 17-20. Retrieved August 8, 2009, from Health Source: Nursing/Academic Edition database.

Rosen, J. (2004, September 6). Prevent Defense. New Republic, 231(10), pp. 16-18. Retrieved August 8, 2009, from Academic Search Premier database.

Schmidt, P. (2009, March 27). Protecting Both Life and Liberty. Chronicle of Higher Education, 55(29), p. A4. Retrieved August 1, 2009, from MasterFILE Premier database.

Warren, Patricia Nell. "Anti-Terrorism Measures Threaten Civil Liberties." Current Controversies: The Terrorist Attack on America. Ed. Mary E. Williams. San Diego: Greenhaven Press, 2003. Opposing Viewpoints Resource Center. Gale. Career Education Corp. 1 Aug. 2009

Weigel, D. (2007, June). Right All Along, Unfortunately. Reason, 39(2), pp. 12-13. Retrieved August 8, 2009, from MasterFILE Premier database.

Time seems to fly by

2009-08-01T21:08:00.004-04:00

Wow, it's August already, how did this happen & where was I? I cannot believe that this year has been going by as fast as it has, so much has happened and yet so little has changed.
I'm still waiting on my much-deserved divorce, we've been separated for 11 months now and Florida doesn't even require a year of separation. I cannot wait for this to finally happen, to finally be able to really move on, to claim my maiden name back. I have been waiting for this for the past 11 months, ever since I broke up with him and yes, the separation has proven difficult and painful for both of us but I never regretted it. The longer this is dragging on, the more I am convinced that I made the right decision. So while this is dragging on, no real changes in sight in the near future, other things in my life have changed and all those changes have been positive. I have already blogged about some of them and another big piece to this puzzle of my life is my own apartment. For the first time in my life, I have my own place. Granted, I am renting the apartment but I live alone, I come home and I don't have to put up with anybody. Peace & quiet greet me. I truly enjoy this.
Another change I made, and I'm still getting looked at funny for it, is that I got rid of the TV. Yes, I did get the question a lot why I did it and how on earth would I ever survive... the truth is: I don't even really have time to watch TV, if I turn it on only for background noise, I don't need it, I can just listen to the radio, which can be just as fine for noise and on top of it, it tends to be informative. If I'm longing for entertainment, again, there's the radio or I can always choose to listen to an audio book. I like audio books, they allow me to listen to a story while relaxing and I can still envision my own settings, the people look the way I want them to look, with the author's guidance, of course.
I'm making progress in school as well (have I really been doing this for the past 5 months already?) but I'm not sure I will ever lose the anxiety, the feeling in my stomach I used to get when I saw a low or even worse, a failing grade. I don't know when it started exactly but I know it was during my time in law school. I couldn't pass this one class, no matter what I tried. It didn't help that the professor didn't agree with my opinion and I got stuck with him semester after semester. At first I wasn't too concerned, I knew this would be a tough class and when I failed it the first time, I didn't think too much of it. Try again & make it better, right? Well, I tried again the next semester, then again the semester after that, then I started to write my papers but never went back to pick them up to find out my grade. I just kept writing them, handing them in but never picking them up. I was so afraid to have failed again, I started doing the same in other classes to the point where I was just writing paper after paper but never going back to find out my grade. I thought that I would've conquered this anxiety, this fear of failure by now but apparently I didn't. If I didn't have to log into my college's website every day for attendance purposes, I probably wouldn't ever check my grades for fear of failure. This way however, I am forced to look at my grades and by all means, they are no reason for me to be afraid of failure. But even so, this failure persists and honestly, I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

Seriously, could this be it?

2009-07-20T17:57:00.004-04:00

Ok, I admit this is still way too early to commit one way or another but I think this time is appropriate to do a first evaluation of a blog post I did a few months ago.
My life took unexpected turns and I enjoy them all very much. However, it seems like I'm not the only one being very cautious, very much on my toes, hoping not to wake up one morning and realize it was all just a beautiful lie. Interestingly, we are both constantly analyzing this relationship, trying to scale any expectations back to a minimum, viewing each day together as an unexpected gift. After all, this was never intended to become this deeply felt relationship. A fling, yes. An occasional get-together, yes. Casual sex, hell yeah! We quickly moved past all that.
At this point I feel comfortable to admit that he has many of the traits I am looking for in a man. Although he doesn't fulfill every single criteria, for example I'm pretty sure he doesn't know how to fillet a fish, he has a few traits that I failed to mention previously.
First of all, he's very easy to talk to. It's still very difficult for me to really open up to someone, to be completely honest to him, but he makes it easy. He seems to share the same need to discuss important relationship issues, such as where are we, what line have we crossed now? Where might we be headed? when we are in bed at night.
Something else I noticed and what I never thought possible is the fact that we share the same sense of organization. I have no problem letting him put stuff away in my apartment, knowing I'll find it exactly where it makes the most sense.
He finds excitement in the little things in life and he shares many of the same ideas. Even when we have different opinions, they're not worth a fight, we discuss it quietly and we may agree to disagree, we accept each other's point of view... or so it seems to me.
He absolutely likes sports & art as much as I do and it's fun to experience both with him.
I feel that we're already deeply intertwined in each other's lives, something I didn't expect to happen but enjoy very much. We're both concerned about the well-being of the other, always trying to make sure the other is as comfortable as possible. We share the same passion and many of the same past experiences, which by itself is pretty amazing.
The past 3 months have flown by, it seems as if he's been in my life for a lot longer. To be honest, he has. We've known each other since January and together we have changed, healed in a way, grown closer. Funny what turns life takes sometimes... when we started talking in January, I never imagined we'd meet, let alone be where we are today. Last night he asked me to give him a head's up should I get bored with him. Right now, this seems pretty much impossible to me. He gives me a comfort level, I have never experienced before. At the same time I'm scared he'll get bored of me. From the beginning it was clear for each one of us: "What you see is what you get. Don't expect me to jump through any hoops for you." So far, this has worked well it seems and I'm curious to see where we'll go from here.

A letter to the VA

2009-05-21T10:46:00.001-04:00

Dear VA,
What the hell are you thinking? Is it your purpose to completely take apart your veterans’ lives? Who is to say that veterans with HIV cannot live happy lives? Sure, there are some who take it harder than others. But honestly… prescribing anti-depressants to someone who isn’t even depressed??? Someone who just needs a mild stimulant to fight fatigue as a side effect of his medication??? You must be kidding. Oh, and did you look at the list of side effects? This medication contradicts everything we were trying to achieve!!!
Do you have prejudices against people with HIV? I already know you’d rather let them die than let them live productive, happy lives. HIV is a disease that can affect everyone, regardless of color, sex or sexual orientation. You should therefore NOT try to take everything away from those with HIV! Do you really think HIV gives you the right to take everything away from the patient? Do you really think that veterans with HIV cannot/should not have fulfilled sex lives? Having a sex drive does NOT mean the veteran will go out and have unprotected sex with whomever s/he can come up with. Do you really think the veterans would be this irresponsible? Why else would you prescribe drugs that, as a side effect, take this part of a veteran’s life away?
And what’s this: You don’t have PTSD when you have never even tested for it??? What the hell kind of a conclusion is that?
As an added note: This treatment, although it pertains to me only indirectly, is detrimental to my own health. In case you didn’t know, stress can lead to relapses in MS and this is causing a lot of undue stress.
I really hope that a competent physician will straighten things out and my veteran will get the care he deserves.
Thank you.

An apology

2009-05-10T20:12:00.004-04:00

First off, I would like to apologize to my readers. What will follow is a very personal apology and you may not understand it all. But I know the person I will be apologizing to will understand.

What the hell happened? How did we get to where we are today? Who did not read the "live your life proper" guide? Ok, I have to admit, we must both have skipped that one... Still, I'm baffled and I need to apologize. I need to apologize for all the change I brought into your life. You had your plan and you were determined to stick to it, as it seemed best and easiest for you. Then I entered your life.

I think we got along quite well from the first tweet, although I don't remember the beginnings. It could not have been too terrible, though, because we continued talking. Eventually, again I don't remember the occasion, we decided to transfer the conversation to Skype. It was then that we started spending increased amounts of time together. There was rarely a day we didn't skype. One of those days must've brought on the "oh, let's meet sometime." It still took a while before the actual plan was developed and even then it was supposed to be just casual.

The day before we met, I was talking to a friend of mine and I told her that I had a feeling this meeting wouldn't be as casual as it was made out to be. It was nothing I could've put my finger on, neither did I have plans, it was just something in the air. As you know, I was right. I'm sorry about that. I could resist you for only so long.

The next big change happened was when I was in Germany. I was always looking forward to talking to you, share the day's events with you, try to make you part of the experience. It was during that week, a new suspicion crept up... and I had to find out if it was true. I felt like I was missing you and the thought of having to spend at least 1, if not 2 more weeks without you seemed excessive. I called you and asked if I could come over. I needed to know if this was true or just a figment of my imagination. As it turned out, I didn't imagine it. I missed you. Gawd, how much I missed you. Once again, I'm sorry for intruding on your weekend in such a fashion. I'm sure you had your own plans on spend that weekend and then I call and turn everything upside down.

Since then it has become increasingly difficult to get used to sleeping alone again after a weekend with you. I enjoy the time with you so much, even though my homework is still very distracting. I apologize for not ever being able to finish it by Friday, so we'd actually have a weekend together. I also apologize for not being there whenever you wake up, not being able to cuddle or share your dreams.

Although this may not be the optimal situation, we both agree it's probably the best for now. Not only because of the burnout factor, the physical and mental overkill we would face if we lived closer, not only because my school work would suffer from it but also because this is something both of us need to get used to again. My freedom comes in small steps and a lot will be better once I move into my own place. It will be another chapter I can close, another step to be free. Please be patient with me, let me get used to everything. For once in my life, I want to do everything right and make sure that things are what they appear to be. You are too important to me... and for that I won't apologize. ;)

Scary Thoughts

2009-04-11T18:22:00.002-04:00

Today’s the day I’ve been waiting for! I’m flying home. How have I been waiting for this day and now that I’m actually in the air, approaching Boston, I find myself missing Florida. I should be jumping with joy that I’m flying home, that I get to see my family and friends but at the same time I feel myself missing the friends I made in Florida already. I miss the soft air, the warm temperatures. This is truly amazing, only 9 months ago, I had wanted nothing more strongly than moving back to Germany. Under no circumstances did I want to stay in the US. Then stuff happened, I broke up with my husband and my emotional life improved dramatically. I had no idea that this would happen. I thought I’d just struggle along until June and then be glad to be moving back in July. Now I’m trying to figure out where I would rather be… do I want to stay in Orlando for at least another year or do I want to move to the metro Tampa area because I like the beaches on the Gulf side better?
I’m deeply torn and I feel so many contradictions right now, it’s incredible. Things are happening I never imagined would. Am I growing up? Am I at the point where I’m finally living my own life instead trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, living a life that’s not my own? I always thought that’s what I did but now I’m finding new possibilities and new things I’d like to try almost every day.
Although I'm still struggling in many areas, I feel stronger and more enthusiastic about my life. I may moan and groan if I have to get up early to go to work, stay up late to finish homework for school or whatever may come up that's worth a small complaint, but overall I don't think I've ever felt more at peace with myself.

Things are noticed about men

2009-03-29T20:29:00.002-04:00

All men are jerks. Seriously you ask? Nah, I'm just kidding but a friend of mine asked me to use it as my opening line and there you have it.
I don't know how I came up with the idea of making this a blog post instead of just tweeting the main ideas, but it seems to make sense. There are a few things that (most) men have in common and I'm really not sure why they do the things they do. I don't mean to judge them, it's just something I noticed.
First of all, I'd like to ask: Why do men treat their cars like a garbage heap? I mean seriously, what's so difficult about taking the garbage with you when you exit the car? Some men seem to have half their lives stacked away in their cars, including the majority of sad remains of meals consumed, mainly fast food boxes and bags, empty soda or coffee cups, cans and bottles, empty cigarette packs, at least 3-4 lighters, clothes and of course dozens of CD's and CD cases, although the CD's never actually are in their cases.
Something else that makes me wonder about a man's motives is the fact that they love to make plans, but rarely ever follow through.
Another thing I always wondered about was why does it take men so long to fix things? The other day I had to go out and change the windshield wipers of my car. It was the first time I had to do it all by myself, before that, I always had someone there to do it for me or I watched my man at that time to change them on their cars. Since it always took a long time, I assumed that it’s really difficult and not as easy as the commercials make it look. After finding the right wipers for my car, I returned expecting the worst. I examined the installation photos closely because, I figured, I need to take them off exactly opposite of putting them on. Sure enough, as soon as I found the little handle, it was no problem taking them off. Putting the new wipers turned out to be just as easy as soon as I figured out how to read the pictures properly. Overall, it took not even 5 minutes. The men in my life before always took much longer, and when I asked random men about it, this was blamed on the variety of windshield wipers available and how they all have different installation mechanisms. Guys, please… You know exactly which wipers are the easiest to change, so don’t try to show off and pass something off as extremely difficult only because you have a girl with you. Don’t try to create the impression that we would be so lost without you! Honestly, we love you just the way you are and only because we’re just as capable of doing everything ourselves doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate having you around and take the garbage out for us or change the occasional light bulb.

What is this "life" thing anyway?

2009-03-21T22:26:00.002-04:00

Lately, I've been thinking about life a lot, thanks to a friend of mine who asked what will change 10, 20, 50 years from now. Honestly, I think that not much will change. People will still do what people always did, just the details will be different. People always had the amazing ability to adapt to changes and in a way survival of the fittest may be applied to today's world just as much as to our humble beginnings as a species. What I'm trying to say is, during the ice ages, in medieval times, 100 years ago and today, people were people. People ate, procreated, had relationships and some sort of governmental structure. How that governmental structure looks has changed over the years, also the way we eat, form and keep relationships and in a way procreation has changed as well. To me, though, the how's are unimportant details. The what won't change.

That doesn't keep me from wondering about the cards life tends to deal to us, though, as it is way too interesting a topic. Right now I'm at a stage in my life where everything is changing. I set this change in motion when I broke up with my husband about 6 months ago. It took me some getting used to this new situation but a little more than a month ago, I realized that although the divorce proceedings haven't even really started (because he hasn't returned the papers to me, although he's had them for 4 months), I'm free. I am delighted to know that maybe for the first time in my life, everything is up to me, me alone and I'm the only one responsible for my life.

Even with this knowledge, my life has probably never been more fast-paced than right now. I'm not sure why but it seems as if I'm trying to make up for years I lost while being married. Everything I'd like to happen has to happen right now. Anything that is holding me back from making more changes to my life is seen as a hurdle, an annoyance that cannot be avoided for the moment. Two of the biggest hurdles in my "new" life are the apartment I live in and the job I have. Don't get me wrong, both fulfill their purposes, it's just that my job doesn't pay enough to support myself and the apartment itself is full of things that belong to my ex and a roommate who also adds to my stress levels.

Today was a day when I paused for a moment and thought to myself, why are you doing all this now? In a way it seems as though I'm trying to live my life to the fullest because I don't know how long it'll last. I'm in life head over heels right now, living instead of being a spectator. Sure, I'm up to no good at the moment and have some wicked ideas that I'd like to see happening. But I am also taking steps to take charge of my life, to ensure that one day I will be able to live the life I always envisioned for myself.

I'm on my way to truly discover who I am, what I truly want in life, regardless of what society wants me to do. That I have the ability to do just that, to live my life exactly the way I want it to, is a gift that is hard earned. So often do I see people who are being held back by society's expectations, people who just don't have a vision, a dream of what they want to do with their lives. Maybe not everybody is bound to experience this freedom, this ultimate happiness, the knowledge that, regardless what will happen, it's all part of a greater plan... the plan called life.

Twitter & random thoughts

2009-03-18T19:31:00.002-04:00

Recently I've read more and more about Facebook trying to become more like Twitter and worries that Twitter may be sold to Facebok or Google or somebody, which will in essence destroy what Twitter is right now. While I agree that Twitter is special, I doubt that Facebook will ever become like Twitter. Twitter is way to specialized right now and I hope it stays that way. It takes a certain type of person to join and stay on Twitter. Not everyone is suited and unless Twitter changes its concept and marketing strategy, it'll stay that way.

I recently read about Twitter on an unrelated website about someone who was on Twitter. She was very enthusiastic and some of the replies she got were quite typical, I think. "I don't think this is for me." "I don't see anything in Twitter." "Twitter must be for mobile users, the interface is just too bland for me." "I looked into Twitter and there was nothing there." WHAT??? Nothing there??? What were you expecting? Twitter is what you make of it. That's the only rule anyone ever needs to know or follow. Apparently some people cannot grasp that concept of creating something completely of their own, something that only they are responsible for. Twitter is like a delicate plant that you have to feed and nourish if you want to be rewarded for your efforts. I think that if Twitter continues this path and doesn't change its concept, we'll all be safe in the Twitterverse we created.

As a follow-up on my last blog post about the perfect man for me, I'd like to add that I completely forgot about about his family. How could I have is beyond me. It's so important that I like his family and his family likes me, too. Especially if one of us is far from home. I'm a total family person, I love my family with all my heart and would spend all holidays with them if I only could.

I've been asking myself lately if I'm giving up too early on what could become an interesting relationship. Have I been through the same routine so many times before that as soon as things don't go the way they should, I'd rather move on instead of trying to make things work? I thought I finally found someone who wouldn't take the same bs I'm so done with. Well, maybe I did and maybe I didn't. A very dear friend told me I'm looking out relationships that have an expiration date and the more I think about it the more I think that in a way he's right. I get bored easily and then I move on. Sometimes though, I fail, especially when in my mind I am not done yet with whomever I'm seeing. Sometimes there's more I want to find out, experience and enjoy him. I agree though, that I've become very cautious as to who I truly let into my life.

What I'm looking for in a man

2009-03-09T20:26:00.006-04:00

Alright, a few blog posts back I promised I would write about what I'm looking for in a man and I guess, here it is. I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing: He has to be handsome, muscular, able to replace a light bulb and be (what all women dream of) a good listener and very caring.

I won't deny that those are all admirable traits but let's be realistic here... Handsome is still a term that's very much up for discussion. I prefer attraction to plain looks. There has to be something about him that absolutely draws me to him. I met this guy once and he had that kind of body I had always longed for in a man only to realize that I didn't really like it. He did look like one of the poster guys with six-pack abs but I just wasn't attracted to him. That was one of the many eye-openers I had throughout my dating life.

I think the most important trait my perfect man has to have is the ability to put up with me, accept me for who I am and give me the freedom I need to flourish. I would like to meet someone who has about as many different interests as I do, who will drag me out to see something neither one of us has seen yet or just sit at home and read a good book. I want to be able to constantly broaden my intellectual horizon with him.

Same interests are always the foundation of a good relationship and communication is the key. Same interests is pretty easy in my case, there are only a few things I'm really not into, everything else has to at least be tried. I wish I could find someone who thinks the same way, someone who walks through life about as wide-eyed as I do and finds pleasure in the many little things life has to offer.

After the last relationship that was called my marriage, I decided not to accept certain things anymore. First of all, I need someone who works the same hours as I do. I'm sorry but I didn't get married only to spend my days by myself, including the weekends. That's just not what I had signed up for. So either we work the same hours or the relationship can only be casual. At the same time I'm not sure I would want to live with him. The last time has proven this to be very stressful for me and I'm certainly not eager to repeat that. In the event that I should get married again (very doubtful at the moment) I will not ever change my name again. I like my maiden name, always have and it'll stay mine until I die as soon as I get it back.

I would like a man I can sit on the couch with and just talk, no TV. I would like someone I can go to the movies with or the theater. He'd have to like both, have a passion for a good play and as well as a good movie. I'd like to meet someone who matches my passion for art and sports, someone who likes going to a classical concert or opera just as much as going to a rock concert, someone who is as excited about going to a ballgame as he is about going to an art exhibit. Someone who's interested in what's going on in the world and is open to new ideas.

He'd have to be a good cook, too, and like it. I enjoy cooking and trying out new recipes but I don't want to be the only one always being in the kitchen preparing meals. I'd like for him to cook for me, too, know what he's doing and find pleasure in cooking. He'd also have to know how to grill a killer steak.

He also needs to be able to fix things. Granted, I can fix a lot of things myself, am pretty good with power tools and just generally know how to do things. That doesn't mean though, that I should be the one taking care of everything from changing a light bulb or the air conditioner filter to unclog a drain or assemble furniture. He'd need to know how to light a fire in a fireplace or a campfire, how to clean and filet fish.

Am I unreasonable? I don't know but I don't think so. Sure, I'm asking for a lot of things but those are all things I found out to be important as I was trying different men.

Time for Change

2009-03-06T23:19:00.002-05:00

I think it's about time we start living up to our limits, our capabilities, our intelligence. Oh, I know what you're thinking now... here's this woman who wants to discriminate against mentally challenged people, get them off the streets, out of our lives. You couldn't be farther from the truth since I believe even mentally challenged people have really bright spots sometimes, they're just not allowed to show them. My thoughts go into a different direction entirely.

We can all have a "bad" day every once in a while, there's nothing wrong with it. It happens.
But here's what I proclaim: Let's base our lives on our intelligence. From the moment you're being woken up in the morning, everything is based upon your intelligence for that day. Open your eyes, answer 3 questions. That'll already determine if you get to make your own coffee/tea/whatever or if it's safer for you to get coffee at Starbuck's or maybe you don't qualify for coffee at all.

You want to take a shower? Well let's see how well you master the intelligence questions... Shower? Bath? All a matter of your intelligence.

We've all seen mom in the minivan, screaming kids in the back, eating breakfast & talking on her cell phone at the same time. Do you think she should share the road with the business man, who's late for work, drinking his coffee while programming his Garmin or the girl on her way to class yapping away on her cell phone while applying her makeup? Put yourself in the mix and you're in for potential disaster. Who wants to share the road with stupid people? Exactly, nobody does! Why not base traffic solely on intelligence? Smart people get to leave for work/school first, stupid people last since it's unclear if they'll even make it there.

Oh you have to go to some government agency? The DMV, Social Security office, what have ya? Well, it won't just be "take a number please" anymore. Answer your intelligence questions and you'll be assigned a number and a row. We value your time.

Another great place to apply the intelligence rule is, of course, the internet. Depending on your intelligence you have access to so much internet. There's no reason for stupid people to access websites they don't understand in the first place. Answer your intelligence questions and you'll have access to the www, the ww, or, as a friend of mine called it, the wwduh.

Life will be so much easier for all of us if we lived up to our capabilities and wouldn't have to feel ashamed when we have a "bad" day anymore.

Twitter

2009-02-26T19:15:00.001-05:00

Recently, a friend of mine asked me "What is Twitter, I never even heard about it." Well, here's my little story about how I discovered Twitter.

About 2 months ago, I finally decided to visit a friend's website. He was using Twitter and seemed to like it. The website itself doesn't look like much but always curious about new things, I decided to give it a try. As soon as I signed up, I discovered that I had 140 characters (including spaces!!) to express myself. I could say whatever I wanted. Not knowing anyone besides my friend, I decided to just post whatever came to my mind. Nobody would read it anyway, right? The internet is way too big and a website like Twitter, where everyone just writes stuff worth 140 characters is the perfect place to unload anonymously because, like I said, with the number of tweets (posts), my tweets would disappear almost instantly. Just one look at the public time line seemed to prove my theory.

But was I proven wrong! One or two tweets into my new Twitter life, I had my first follower. Someone actually read my tweet and felt he liked what I wrote. I decided to follow him back and soon it became apparent that we were in a very similar situation, close to the same point in our lives. Sharing tweets with him and still posting my own thoughts, soon more people followed me and following them back became more and more interesting. Since everyone posts what they're doing and thinking, open and honest, I got a glimpse at their lives and commented on whatever I felt like commenting on. Soon a few of those people were more than random people on a random website where you share thoughts, feelings, frustrations on 140 characters.

Who would've thought that you can make friends on 140 characters? Yet, that's exactly what those people are. I get up in the morning, catch up with what everyone was up to after I went to bed at night. Especially my British friends get up soon after I go to bed and their days are in full swing by the time I get up. I wish everyone a good morning and go off to work, hoping for a day when everyone is too busy living a life and not have a lot of time to tweet. Even so, I check in, keep up with what's going on and sometimes engage in conversation. Yesterday, two friends of mine engaged in a discussion that ended in one unfollowing the other, who blocked the first. That upset me because they were both my friends, both part of who I am. Another friend was involved in a car accident a few weeks ago and we, her friends, were right there with her, thanks to her tweets, to lend her a virtual shoulder and support her however we could. We mourned the loss of her car with her and were elated and very happy when she got her new car today.

Now if you think Twitter is just this one website, you're dead wrong! There's TweetDeck, which allows you to sort your tweets, TweetGrid, which filters the public time line by keywords of your choosing, TweetWheel to see who of your friends know whom and who follows whom in your circle of friends. There is TwitPic, a service that allows you to upload photos and instantly share them with the Twitter community. There are gadgets and widgets depending on your browser, mobile phone, computer. There is an option to send anonymous tweets, that are posted onto Twitter, they're called Secrettweet and Secrettweet3 for the unabridged version. Blip.fm lets you share songs with your Twitterfriends.

I think it's needless to say that a few of those friendships I formed on Twitter have since expanded past 140 characters. Since we're all more or less obsessed with Twitter, Skype has become a very useful tool, too. It allows us to still be on Twitter and yet spend the evening together on each other's couch. Emails are being written, phone calls are made. But in the end, we'll all meet each other again on Twitter.

When did men become disposable?

2009-02-16T19:31:00.001-05:00

First of all, let me say this: I've always liked men, enjoyed them although in the beginning I was less than successful to convince them that I'd do them good. Well, eventually I got one and kept him for a year and a half. Once I had this boyfriend things started to change. It seemed as if men (really boys back then) started to notice me. Was it that I finally had sex? Did that change something? I really don't know... but eventually that boyfriend of mine had to go. There was so much choice out there, like a box of chocolates, and I couldn't decide which chocolate to pick next.

It wasn't smooth sailing, always trying to keep up with the demands society makes on girls and boyfriends but the times spent between boyfriends were always short. Granted, the time a boyfriend lasted was quite short, too. Usually it ended by him not calling me anymore. In my teens that was cause of a lot of heartache.

Once I started college, there was a whole new range of men out there but looking at my friends and their boyfriends, a part of me felt pressured to start looking for "the one" as well. I turned this stone and that, kissed this frog and that but never found my prince. What I gained though, was experience and that a one night stand can be quite fun, too.

Eventually though, I did find someone I thought was "the one", married him, left my home country to live with him and was faithful. Marriage came with one huge disadvantage, though: My sex life was pretty much non-existent for the entire length of my marriage. It lasted for 7 years and it took some time to convince myself that it'd be best for me to end it. After all, I always believed in marriage. Just not like that. My husband had told me that should I ever cheat on him, the marriage would be irrevocably over. For me this sounded like the only way out, I knew he loved me and would always try to reconcile, although I was long done with the relationship. About a month or so before I finally broke up with him, I met this guy at the pool of our complex. Boy, was he cute! We hung out together the entire day we first met and met up again the days after. On our 3rd day together, I think, I had to accompany my husband to a birthday party. I managed to sneak to the pool before we had to leave and meet my new guy. We swam, we talked and when it was time to leave, we almost kissed. Almost. Instead we hugged. I went to the birthday party and texted him all evening. The next evening we met at the pool again and we kissed. It felt so good and considering his age, he was a very good lover, too. Unfortunately we met only once after that. Not that I had wanted a serious relationship with him, I just wanted a boy toy. Maybe he was too young to understand that or it was something he didn't want at all.

Not long after that episode, I met someone else on facebook. I was immediately taken by his wit and humor and we decided to meet. He lived in a different city, so I had to come up with a story for my husband why I had to be out of town all of a sudden for a weekend. Things with that guy went well, I liked him a lot, he liked me. 2 weeks after that, I told my husband it was over and there wouldn't be any second chances issued. For 3 months, this guy and I met almost every weekend. Whenever we couldn't meet up, I met other guys. I met them once, had fun and let them go. After Thanksgiving though, things changed and I felt as if I was being played but didn't know the rules. Granted, Christmas is a family holiday and he might not have wanted me there. At the same time though, he knew I would be home alone, without family. New Year's I spent with someone else and had tremendous fun.

Shortly before the Superbowl though, I confronted him and asked what was going on, that I didn't like the game and would quit. He told me he didn't want a serious relationship, wasn't ready for one. It was as if a huge load had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt free. For the first time in years I was free! Free to do what I'd like without the tiniest bit of guilt.

I think that's when men truly became disposable. When my feelings wouldn't be hurt anymore if I didn't hear from them again. Sure, I still feel sad when they just disappear but I know that there's always another one to have fun with.

Although I'm sure I'll get back to serious dating eventually, I doubt I'll change my approach. I have upped the ante for any serious man... but that's another story.

Dating

2009-02-16T18:40:00.000-05:00

Let me say this, my dating strategy is much different than that of most other people. I don't play games and I certainly don't believe in the 3-date rule or whatever it may be today. Instead I developed a 3-category rule.

Don't get me wrong now, I don't mind just meeting a guy for dinner or a drink and leave it at that for the night. It's a lot more important to me that I enjoy the company I'm in. If he's intelligent and has a good sense of humor, it's almost always a joy to be with him. It just depends on the guy and the circumstances. But it’s always said that having sex on the first date makes a woman “easy”. I say that it’s men who are so easy. Wink at them a little, caress their ego, tell them how attractive they are and you have no problem getting what you want… at least for one night.

Use ‘em and lose ‘em is the first category I use for dating. Go out, have fun but decide that there’s something so fundamentally wrong with him, I have no desire to take it any further.

Moving into the second category, boy toy, is a little more difficult as it involves more work. All of a sudden I have to make sure I stay in touch, keep them interested… and they have to still be interesting to me. Most men don’t understand the difference between a casual relationship and a serious one. They think if a woman is interested in them, she wants a serious relationship, marriage and what not. Men, wake up!! You’re not THAT irresistible in most cases.

The third category is the keeper. He has passed the first two categories with flying colors, is still very interesting and interested, keeps up with me and simply likes me for who I am… I, of course, would have to be doing the same. That’s where most men fail.

I always like to get the important stuff out of the way first. I need to make sure I'm compatible on 5 different important topics:

1. Religion: Glad you like yours but don't bother me with it. I'm happy the way I am and if I don't believe in myself, who does?
2. Politics: Don't tell me you don't care, don't vote, and simply aren't interested. Dig yourself a whole, I'm glad to bury you.
3. Kids: Hate them, hate them, and hate them. No compromise.
4. Sports: I love watching sports. I don't care if we're rooting for opposing teams, as long as there's sports in my life, I'm happy.
5. Sex: If sex with you sucks, it's unlikely there'll even be a 2nd date.
Meeting men online makes this easy, I can check of items 1-4 immediately and once I decide to meet them, there’s only #5 left. I usually take my time meeting someone I met online, made sure I have some kind of feel or connection with him that provides me with a comfort level I need. That doesn’t mean that things can’t go downhill very fast once I meet someone. He can be a category 3 candidate just from talking to him but as soon as I meet him, if there’s anything wrong with him, he may not even go as far as category 1.

I guess that would leave me to what I’m looking for in a man, but that again is another story.